N*gga Technology

On the one hand, I'm glad the cellphone industry is advancing to the point where even the most technophobic luddite of a citizen will basically have a computer on their hip. Under the guise of simple communication and mindless entertainment, the next generation of Black folks are learning the basics of computing everyday, something that will be a requirement for the working future (even coming close to being required at McDonald's today, fer cripes sakes). I find this encouraging, for in a way I see it as a back-door solution to the "digital divide" issue.

I just wish we didn't have to come in through the slave's quarters, shuckin' and jivin' all the way.

Give a n*gga an inch, he thinks he's a ruler; give a ni*gga rope, he thinks he's a cowboy and give a n*gga a smartphone and he thinks he's Donald Trump, Gordon Gekko, Bill Gates and Casey Kasem all in one...and he'd like to share with you.

A few pet-peeves about today's inner city cellphone use:

1 - Ringstones don't need extended remixes
If the phone I grew up with rang continously for 30 seconds straight every time somebody called, I'd be more bat-shit insane than I am. Yes, I'm sure Pretty Ricky and Soulja Boyl are talented fellows, but who said I wanted to hear them at just this moment; univited to my ears and coming through a speaker that makes me pine for the days of AM radio. Your phone is not my Ipod - keep that shit to yourself.


2 - Stop f*ckin' chirpin'!!!
If you're on a construction site, you might need to chirp. If you're a forest ranger, you may need to chirp. Even if the building where you work has only two floors you could perhaps find a reason to chirp, but when you ride a city bus or stand in line at the liqour store, you don't need to MUTHAF#@kin' chirp! Oh, thank you for sharing-as if hearing your loud, cussin', inconsiderate-of-those-around-you-ASS! half of the conversation wasn't enthralling enough, now I get hear your debate partner in rich, tinny monaural sound as you expound upon "that bitch that sucked your d*ck last night". Ah, more eloquent than James Baldwin, my life is now complete-thank you Nextel.

3 - Did radios just stop working and I missed it?
IT'S A PHONE. Did somebody jack the sounds in your grip or did you forget that a digital radio costs like $10 at Best Buy and even comes with headphones? And that compressed streaming sound coming out of a speaker the size of my nostril really captures the bass...

4 - Outgoing ringtones
Reverse engineering at it's most insipid...I ain't waiting to leave a message, and f*ck you for making me hear even a millisecond of "Chicken Noodle Soup", bitch.


4 - BORG don't get p*ssy
If you're in a loud-ass club or bar, turn off the flashing bluetooth. You can get 'em at the gas station now and what was expensive & "cool" a year ago is something even the nerds in highschool have-it's the 21st century equivalent of the guy in 1990 who paged himself so he'd have an excuse to whip out his Motorola Bravo. But on a side note, why are we rushing towards the cyborg age with this body-interface shit? Last year it was headsets, this year it's bluetooth, next year it'll be platinum fronts with wi-fi and Glocks with USB ports. However, I am glad that bluetooth headsets will eventually contribute to driver safety, since you n*ggas on the phone don't be paying attention and for that I'm grateful...

If only I could get you to stop watching your bootleg of "I am Legend" on the DVD player in your dashboard while driving I'd be straight, but that's a blog entry for another day.

X
(...who's only ringtones are "Bitch Betta Have My Money" by AMG and Darth Vader's theme for my boss)