Everybody talks about pimpin but...

A philosophy I have about pimpin is the fun aspect. If you ain't a fun or compelling person to be around, you can hang that shit up. It ain't about fucking women, because as one pimp told me, "A monkey can't sell bananas." It's all about manipulation. Having girls do shit for you that they wouldn't do for the next nigga (without testing them). When a lady senses you're a real person, and not cubic zirconian, she'll do anything for you. Especially if you have an attractive disposition (aura). You cannot be obnoxious, or else it's a rap for you. Humble niggas are the ones who get treated the best. You can be confident and humble, and ladies feel it. You can be firm with these girls and be footloose, they really respect that. However, if you can't even manipulate a rubik's cube, you need not pimp. Women smell fakeness like we smell a good meal. Try the player thing, and leave the pimpin' to niggas who don't care about the pussy (other than to make money). Making a lady cum physically is power, but making a lady cum mentally is powerful. If you can't instill any unlearned knowledge into a females mind, well good luck to you brother. If you can't do or show them something new, then you have limited skills. Oh well, I got to go, my ladies are calling me to join them for drinks (that I'm not paying for). Thank God for queens with expense accounts.

The Epitome of Sexy

I'm done obsessing over my recently acquired "man mammaries". I'm still sexy as hell and my penis still works. Don't take my word for it, look at this sexy chocolate creature.

HEIII

Where's the diamond?

Notice Kwame wasn't donning the earring that has become a trademark during his press conference this afternoon. What the matter Kwame? Not feeling "saucy" lately? Has anyone seen his "smugshot"? It looks like he's saying,"Fuck all yall." Hope that mayorial dick was good to you Beatty, cause you're not getting off, even if Kwame does.

HEIII

suggested new music for the headz

The best thing I've heard this month is EMC's The Show. EMC is Master Ace (Juice Crew), Punchline & Wordsworth (Lyricist Lounge) and some fool from Milwaukee named Stricklin'. This is real hip hop. If you're looking for gun toting and drugs, this CD is not for you. This is grown folks hip hop, featuring dynamic wordplay, soulful tracks, and taut lyrical content. At first I thought,"Why would I wan't to hear these "has been" niggas?" This "has been" shit is just what a nigga needed in his life right now. It sounds so authentic and refreshing; like wearing a throwback basketball jersey by Hardwood Classics, fresh out the plastic, for the first time.
Some honorable mentions go to "The American Gangster Remix Album" by Jay Z and Allhiphop.com. Some of these tracks...ok, most of these tracks sound better than the originals. The remix of Party Life is a beast. So is Ignorant Shit and American Dreaming. You have to get it from Myspace.com if you want it without visiting Allhiphop.com. Also, Katt Williams "It's Pimpin Pimpin" is surprisingly listenable. The following are CD's you should already have:
Snoop Dogg "Ego Trippin'"
Raheem Devaughn "Love Behind The Melody"
Nicolay & Kay "Time Line"
Rick Ross "Trilla"
Jill Scott "Live In Paris"
happy listening, ya bitches!!!

With love, HEIII

BUMPS March production update

Hip-Hop Obscure Show 5 - now mixing
mister X moodmusic mix 15 - now in production
Sample City - now in production
For Your Ears Only Show 2 - now in production
DetroitBumps Show 48 - now in pre-production

I might even be able to save a "lost" episode of Rob’s Hip-Hop Corner that I thought we lost due to a computer crash.

detroitbumps mobile and video downloads are still coming, but mister x won’t upload them til he knows they’ll work on all platforms

we’re still here y’all, just keep your pants on

if movie products were real and Kwame again

*...and to vistors from Cracked, yes these were from this week's Photoshop thing and I'm starting to see that we have different comic sensibilities-I may stop doing these for them (for a while) and concentrate on articles-we'll see...
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And here's what I imagine Kwame Kilpatrick has done recently...

Albert Einstein

Here's something you probably don't know about Albert Einstein.

In 1946, the Nobel Prize-winning physicist traveled to Lincoln University in Pennsylvania, the alma mater of Langston Hughes and Thurgood Marshall and the first school in America to grant college degrees to blacks.

At Lincoln, Einstein gave a speech in which he called racism 'a disease of white people,' and added, 'I do not intend to be quiet about it.' He also received an honorary degree and gave a lecture on relativity to Lincoln students.

The reason Einstein's visit to Lincoln is not better known is that it was virtually ignored by the mainstream press, which regularly covered Einstein's speeches and activities. (Only the black press gave extensive coverage to the event.) Nor is there mention of the Lincoln visit in any of the major Einstein biographies or archives. In fact, many significant details are missing from the numerous studies of Einstein's life and work, most of them having to do with Einstein's opposition to racism and his relationships with African Americans.

That these omissions need to be recognized and corrected is the contention of Fred Jerome and Rodger Taylor, authors of 'Einstein on Race and Racism' (Rutgers University Press, 2006). Jerome and Taylor spoke April 3 at an event sponsored by the W.E.B. Du Bois Institute for African and African American Research. The event also featured remarks by Sylvester James Gates Jr., the John S.Toll Professor of Physics, University of Maryland.

According to Jerome and Taylor, Einstein's statements at Lincoln were by no means an isolated case. Einstein, who was Jewish, was sensitized to racism by the years of Nazi-inspired threats and harassment he suffered during his tenure at the University of Berlin. Einstein was in the United States when the Nazis came to power in 1933, and, fearful that a return to Germany would place him in mortal danger, he decided to stay, accepting a position at the recently founded Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, N.J. He became an American citizen in 1940. But while Einstein may have been grateful to have found a safe haven, his gratitude did not prevent him from criticizing the ethical shortcomings of his new home. 'Einstein realized that African Americans in Princeton were treated like Jews in Germany,' said Taylor. 'The town was strictly segregated.

There was no high school that blacks could go to until the 1940's. Einstein's response to the racism and segregation he found in Princeton (Paul Robeson, who was born in Princeton, called it 'the northernmost town in the South') was to cultivate relationships in the town's African-American community. Jerome and Taylor interviewed members of that community who still remember the white-haired, disheveled figure of Einstein strolling through their streets, stopping to chat with the inhabitants, and handing out candy to local children.

One woman remembered that Einstein paid the college tuition of a young man from the community. Another said that he invited Marian Anderson to stay at his home when the singer was refused a room at the Nassau Inn.

Einstein met Paul Robeson when the famous singer and actor came to perform at Princeton's McCarter Theatre in 1935. The two found they had much in common. Both were concerned about the rise of fascism, and both gave their support to efforts to defend the democratically elected government of Spain against the fascist forces of Francisco Franco. Einstein and Robeson also worked together on the American Crusade to End Lynching, in response to an upsurge in racial murders as black soldiers returned home in the aftermath of World War II.

The 20-year friendship between Einstein and Robeson is another story that has not been told, Jerome said, but that omission may soon be rectified. A movie is in the works about the relationship, with Danny Glover slated to play Robeson and Ben Kingsley as Einstein. Einstein continued to support progressive causes through the 1950's, when the pressure of anti-Commun ist witch hunts made it dangerous to do so. Another example of Einstein using his prestige to help a prominent African American occurred in 1951, when the 83-year-old W.E.B. Du Bois, a founder of the NAACP, was indicted by the federal government for failing to register as a 'foreign agent' as a consequence of circulating the pro-Soviet Stockholm Peace Petition. Einstein offered to appear as a character witness for DuBois, which convinced the judge to drop the case.

Gates, an African-American physicist who has appeared on the PBS show "Nova", said that Einstein had been a hero of his since he learned about the theory of relativity as a teenager, but that he was unaware of Einstein's ideas on civil rights until fairly recently. Einstein's approach to problems in physics was to begin by asking very simple, almost childlike questions, such as, 'What would the world look like if I could drive along a beam of light?' Gates said. 'He must have developed his ideas about race through a similar process. He was capable of asking the question, 'Wha t would my life be like if I were black?' Gates said that thinking about Einstein's involvement with civil rights has prompted him to speculate on the value of affirmative action and the goal of diversity it seeks to bring about. There are many instances in which the presence of strength and resilience in a system can be attributed to diversity. 'In the natural world, for example, when a population is under the influence of a stressful environment, diversity ensures its survival', Gates said. On a cultural l evel, the global influence of American popular music might be attributed to the fact that it is an amalgam of musical traditions from Europe and Africa. These examples have led him to conclude that 'diversity actually matters, independent of the moral argument.' Gates said he believes 'there is a science of diversity out there waiting for scholars to discover.'

unfortunate bumper stickers

real life kept me from getting these to cracked on time, so enjoy 'em here...

Back From The Future With H.E.III & Rob

H.E.III in 20 years


Rob Boombostic in a few minutes (if he doesn't get back to blogging...)

mister X contributes one of Cracked's "40 Most Inappropriate Children's Book Covers"

read the full article here

you can't miss mine-it involves Sesame Street...

...and whores.
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and here's a couple that didn't get used (there were over 400 entries for the article)

Long Lost Twins

Boosty Collins

and


MuTant N*gga From THIS ISLAND EARTH

a loose CRAPTION from Cracked...

Got in on submitting this one too late, but thought the detroitbumps audience might appreciate it...

After leaving Diddy and failing as a solo artist, Fonzworth Bentley
found being the personal assistant of Big Bird's mistress less fulfilling...

Think you're funnier than us? (answer: you're not) Try Cracked.Com Craptions yourself and get dissed by complete strangers in the comments section who'll say you suck balls...

Thought Balloons with Bush and McCain

mister X now contributing to Cracked.Com

detroit's mister X has two contributions to the Cracked.Com article:

"If Banners Ads Were Forced To Be Truthful..."



go check that sh* t out...and expect more from X there soon.

-here's one that didn't make it...can't imagine it was too strong or anything like that (click on banner to see full size).

(video) Thought Balloons with the Kilpatricks

mister X meets MST3K

On sale today, Rifftrax's comedy commentary on Batman and Robin featuring contributions from detroit's mister X.

For those who don't know Rifftrax, it's the new project from the guys who used to do Mystery Science Theater 3000-they make fun of sh*t and do a really good job of it, but instead of a TV show, you download their commentary as an Mp3 and play it along with the movie. These guys are an inspiration to X and Rob Boombostic (even though we started doing own own riffs in college before we knew the show existed, so don't call us a rip-off you uppity bastard) and X is honored to write for his heroes.

The final text from Kwame Kilpatrick's cell phone

"It's just like, it's just like a mini-MALL...."

Words can't do this justice...let's just say that the guys that used to do commercials for WGPR must have moved to Montgomery.

Long Lost Twins

Clueless crotchety bastard
Stanley Crouch

and


Walrus N*gga
from Star Wars

Thought Balloons with the Obamas

Happy New Year

Happy New Year from Detroitbumps.com. We look forward to providing you with more music and opinions. We're now on myspace so check us out. Also look for my blog entry "Real Hip Hop is Coming Back Ya'll." Exactly when I'm actually doing the blog is another story, but I digress.
HEIII

N*gga Technology

On the one hand, I'm glad the cellphone industry is advancing to the point where even the most technophobic luddite of a citizen will basically have a computer on their hip. Under the guise of simple communication and mindless entertainment, the next generation of Black folks are learning the basics of computing everyday, something that will be a requirement for the working future (even coming close to being required at McDonald's today, fer cripes sakes). I find this encouraging, for in a way I see it as a back-door solution to the "digital divide" issue.

I just wish we didn't have to come in through the slave's quarters, shuckin' and jivin' all the way.

Give a n*gga an inch, he thinks he's a ruler; give a ni*gga rope, he thinks he's a cowboy and give a n*gga a smartphone and he thinks he's Donald Trump, Gordon Gekko, Bill Gates and Casey Kasem all in one...and he'd like to share with you.

A few pet-peeves about today's inner city cellphone use:

1 - Ringstones don't need extended remixes
If the phone I grew up with rang continously for 30 seconds straight every time somebody called, I'd be more bat-shit insane than I am. Yes, I'm sure Pretty Ricky and Soulja Boyl are talented fellows, but who said I wanted to hear them at just this moment; univited to my ears and coming through a speaker that makes me pine for the days of AM radio. Your phone is not my Ipod - keep that shit to yourself.


2 - Stop f*ckin' chirpin'!!!
If you're on a construction site, you might need to chirp. If you're a forest ranger, you may need to chirp. Even if the building where you work has only two floors you could perhaps find a reason to chirp, but when you ride a city bus or stand in line at the liqour store, you don't need to MUTHAF#@kin' chirp! Oh, thank you for sharing-as if hearing your loud, cussin', inconsiderate-of-those-around-you-ASS! half of the conversation wasn't enthralling enough, now I get hear your debate partner in rich, tinny monaural sound as you expound upon "that bitch that sucked your d*ck last night". Ah, more eloquent than James Baldwin, my life is now complete-thank you Nextel.

3 - Did radios just stop working and I missed it?
IT'S A PHONE. Did somebody jack the sounds in your grip or did you forget that a digital radio costs like $10 at Best Buy and even comes with headphones? And that compressed streaming sound coming out of a speaker the size of my nostril really captures the bass...

4 - Outgoing ringtones
Reverse engineering at it's most insipid...I ain't waiting to leave a message, and f*ck you for making me hear even a millisecond of "Chicken Noodle Soup", bitch.


4 - BORG don't get p*ssy
If you're in a loud-ass club or bar, turn off the flashing bluetooth. You can get 'em at the gas station now and what was expensive & "cool" a year ago is something even the nerds in highschool have-it's the 21st century equivalent of the guy in 1990 who paged himself so he'd have an excuse to whip out his Motorola Bravo. But on a side note, why are we rushing towards the cyborg age with this body-interface shit? Last year it was headsets, this year it's bluetooth, next year it'll be platinum fronts with wi-fi and Glocks with USB ports. However, I am glad that bluetooth headsets will eventually contribute to driver safety, since you n*ggas on the phone don't be paying attention and for that I'm grateful...

If only I could get you to stop watching your bootleg of "I am Legend" on the DVD player in your dashboard while driving I'd be straight, but that's a blog entry for another day.

X
(...who's only ringtones are "Bitch Betta Have My Money" by AMG and Darth Vader's theme for my boss)

Moving In

Just getting set up as we prepare to unveil the 2008 model of detroitbumps.com

will post some classics soon